revisions to my emotions

Today I came into NPCC to do some work for Ann Kelleher after a whirlwind meeting, and was greeted with such a friendly feeling from the same perdictability I recently complained about. It was almost that I had to complain about things always being the same for me to realize that things being the same can be wonderful and comforting. How could I have ever thought to complain about going to a place where "everybody knows your name" when that is probably what I needed most.


I need to work on finding the root of my problems more clearly before spreading them around on the internet. I am very lucky, and have beautiful things in my life and I MUST start realizing this, instead of playing pitty party with myself every day.

I still want excitement and am starting to feel more confident, thanks to my meeting with Kelleher, that this excitement is right around the corner. My life is what I make of it. I must create my own adventures while taking comfort in the predictability. It is the combination of these things that makes life beautiful, I think.

Listening to the rain, I've come to some conclusions.

Just over a year ago, I began such a journey to Norway like I cannot even describe. Now, a year later, as I begin my senior year at PLU, I look back at those times with such jealousy. I'm jealous of myself being there, now that I am at home again. Currently I am bundled up in a fleece blanket in my living room as it pours buckets of rain outside. This time last year, I was meeting the most chaotic group of people in the history of the world, and exploring a part of the world that I never thought I'd get to see, let alone live in.


I'm trying very hard to resume life after this trip (I got back 8 months ago, so I should be a bit settled at least) but am honestly having a hard time. And really, it wasn't until recently that I think I've discovered why I can't get back on my usual happy track. The thing about Norway, or just traveling in general, is that everything you do becomes an adventure. Even your daily trip to the Kiwi to get that delicious pizza (that I brought home with me as is evidenced on my thighs) you never quite knew what was going to happen. Or at least there was the feeling that you never quite knew, mostly because I could really only utter a few swear words if somebody tried to talk to me, and I didn't think that would be such a good idea. Though by December, my trips around Hamar were all the same, on the bike to school, the cafeteria, the bars, I still felt that the opportunity for chaos and adventure was always lurking around the corner.


Since getting home from Norway and I guess even Dubai (although I will leave my thoughts on that trip for a dark bar after a few pitchers of beer) I feel like I haven't been the same. For awhile I thought maybe it was a newly found maturity that was not there before. Being able to navigate the international train systems, and figuring out the exchange rate on the excessive amounts of beer I bought, are, along with other things I did, things that should have and have given me confidence as a young woman.

At the same time though, I feel like I have lost the lust for life I had in and before Norway. Nothing about Parkland is an adventure. Going to QFC and running into that crazy cashier Rob, who I swear owns the place because he has been working there so long, or going to NPCC to find the same people there day after day could be quite comforting and welcoming, but instead I find it dreadful. Ok, that's a strong word but what I'm trying to say is that I find it uncomfortable. I feel like the adventure is gone, that I don't have the possibility of chaos and amusement that I once had. I know what's going to happen when I go places around town and in a way I've really just lost my love for my life as it is. It's quite depressing actually and is something I've NEVER wanted to say. After being abroad for so long, I feel like I should have more excitement about the world that I do. I feel like I'm in an unsatisfied relationship with myself, and I daily get in fights with myself ("You don't love me anymore!" or "I saw you looking at that happy person, am I not good enough?") in a way that is very old and obnoxious.

I've never liked to describe things as "boring" because I've always been a strong believer in the fact that as Harvey Danger says in that song Flagpole Sitta "If you're bored than you're boring" and I've always believed that, so it's not that I'm bored, it's just that my heart is wandering to different parts of the world, but feel tied here to this life that may not quite be what I need. I KNOW there are good things in my life (they know what and who they are) but I just keep feeling that there is something else out there that I need to do. I just can't put a finger quite on what it is.


I hear the advice that has been given to me to make a change and that's all nice and good, but sometimes is harder to figure out than one would think. I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS. I feel like this is the type of post that people hate reading, because it's "emo" and isn't positive but these are my thoughts right now and I'm going to write about it.

So, that's that. A change needs to be made, that's for sure it's just a matter of what change and when. I'm grasping for impulsive changes that do nothing really but harm anything good in my life, but in a way I need to do some learning to figure out what excatly needs to be changed or kept.

And worst comes to worst I have plans for a year from now, being far away from darling Parkland, and Ifeel like that's a little glimpse of hope. HOPE HOPE HOPE.

it's raining, it's pouring!

Well, I am surviving life. I met with one of my advisors (I'm so important that I have TWO advisors...) and after many e-mails, meetings, tears and other needless drama I think I will actually get to graduate on time and without any more math for the most part. That is such a relief. I haven't talked about it much with any one but that is SO many years of stress taken off of me that some times I still forget it's over and get stressed out haha!


So, I'm taking a serious break from life before school starts. This is probably my last real summer and in a few weeks I am going to be stressed out with all that homework, so I'm officially doing nothing that involves responsibility for a few weeks. Well, except the interview for campus concierge that Morgan helped me with, and the car repair (just matience actually) but besides that, I'm going to sleep in, go party and really just do what I want for a few weeks, and I'm definately not going to apologize. Ya know how sometimes people make you feel like you are wasting your life because you're not constantly busy or doing something that they would view as productive? Well I'm not going to let anybody make me feel that way. I am doing something very productive. I am, in a way, figuring myself out by taking this time out for myself. I have spent so much of my time trying to fulfil requirements and made deadlines lately that I've almost forgotten the things that truly make me happy. Furthermore, I don't know what new things could make me happy. So I really want to figure those things out soon. I don't have a plan yet, but I will soon, and it will be good.

My goal for the rest of summer is to try something new each day. Again, I'm not sure how to accomplish this, but I will play it by ear. In a way, I think that makes more sense than to plan out my life to make sure I accomplish my goal. I just have to, as we said in Norway "Let it happen."

Amanda, COME BACK!

Dear Amanda,

I think you forgot something at the house, I think you need to turn around and come back...NOW.

In other news, this is my last week of math...for the summer. I'm a little stressed out, because even though I am thrilled that it ends so soon which gives me a few weeks of freedom before PLU classes start, but once those start I have to start up my math again to get that finished... So thats 17 PLU credits plus driving to Ft. Stellacom every few days for math. And all of this will determine whether or not I graduate at a reasonable date. No pressure though. Ugh, I wish this could all be over. I feel like I should prepare a speech for somebody to plea for a break. But I dont know how that would go over. Ohh well, I suppose I will have to "git er done" as they say.

I know this sounds silly too, but I'm feeling very weird lately and I don't really feel like anything is going my way. I feel like I want something but I can't put my finger on it and then I get upset and spend the day in my room pouting. HOW EMO. But I don't think it's emo in the sort of way that we normally think of as emo...I'm not wearing skinny jeans and wearing my hair in a faux hawk any time soon or anything but I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm pretty down in the dumps, and I have been for some time. But it's gotten particularly bad recently, but I truly can't put my finger on why. I would love to figure it out but I just can't. UGH feel bad for me haha.

OK well, that's all I feel like writing about right now. HOLLER.

I am starting a new blog...again. This one will hopefully be more uesfull as I will actually have people who will read it, and will share their lives with me. So...get writing friends, and I will write things too.

Now that I have a blog, I feel the need to write interesting things...hmm. I can't think of anything. There are things, but I will save them for a more honest state of mind. I feel like playing things off a bit as more ok than they are.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, which I have a feeling will change my life in one way or another. THAT will give me reason to write.

For now, at least I have a start to my blog.

CIAO.